“That’s because… the after-party was bor…ing….”
he was saying, but his voice gradually trailed off. In retrospect, it was out of character for him. He wasn’t the type to leave a place like the after-party for Phantom’s joint exhibition just to attend a small, private drinking session.
At the time, I didn’t think much of it because I lacked information about both Phantom’s operations and his personality, but it would have been far more puzzling if it wasn’t even Inwoo hyung who had pestered him to leave with me.
What if his indifferent and impassive gaze—like someone resting his chin on his hand and watching a single, weak herbivore grazing outside a safari vehicle he’d been forced onto, an animal that could have no effect on him—was actually just a skillful shell to cover up the interest and exploration with which he stood before me, using a self-made opportunity because he couldn’t look away or keep his distance?
If that were the case, then perhaps it wasn’t a meaningless coincidence that he had known my age without me ever telling him, or that he had asked various things about me, a person he seemed to have no interest in.
“Ah….”
A dazed sound of wonder escaped me at the belated realization.
He craned his neck over my shoulder and looked back at my face. His expression seemed to ask if I finally understood. For some reason, I felt too shy to meet his eyes, so I let my gaze wander down to our overlapped hands, which he was fiddling with.
Tossing the camera onto the sofa beside us, he turned my body around and took my hands, making me wrap them around his waist. Our chests touched, and his lips were at my eye level. I greedily took a deep breath, letting the heavy, rich scent occupy my senses. Even without ‘that scent,’ every fragrance that came from him was steeped in a certain weighty eroticism.
After making me embrace him with my arms, he wrapped his own arms around my body. He lowered his head slightly, and his lips brushed against the shell of my ear, tickling me.
“I can’t say it was as deep as it is now. But it wasn’t a feeling I could ignore, either. At least… enough to make me do something unsightly because I was bothered by another man hovering around you.”
Had he ever done anything unsightly? No, before that, had there even been any men trying to appeal to me as a romantic interest?
The first thing that came to mind was… the evening we all went to a bar in SoHo after meeting with Suki Kim. The man with freckles who said he was from Amsterdam. That man, who had turned back on his way out, had asked if we could exchange email addresses, and he… he, who seemed sharp about such things, had stayed by my side the whole time without leaving, even though it was a private situation.
No way.
Was he really saying that all of that was because he was conscious of me?
I grabbed the waist of his T-shirt and, without realizing it, slowly shook my head.
“From the first moment I saw a man with a face that looked like he’d just stepped out of the shower, like water droplets were about to fall from his fingertips, standing in my gallery’s exhibition hall, you were on my mind like a grain of sand in my shoe. For someone to constantly capture my attention, whether in a positive or negative way, is quite a rare thing for me… I tried to pretend I wasn’t conscious of you out of some pointless pride, but….”
He released his embrace and cupped my cheeks with both hands, meeting my eyes. Under the pale light with the lowest color distortion, his blue eyes traced my own. His gaze was meticulous and devoted, as if searching for even the faintest trace of the past that might remain within them.
“Let’s say I can overlook everything else… but I just couldn’t pretend to be okay with other guys hovering around. Whether it was that kid from Amsterdam, or that greasy gallery affiliate from New York… or even my own friend, with whom I’d grown up, showing each other our worst sides for a long time.”
“……”
Each person he listed was a journey through his self-admitted jealousy. And I couldn’t just accept his words as reality so readily.
“Hm, you really look like you had no idea. The fact that you’re not sensitive about this kind of thing is one of Seo Yeehyeon’s charms, but… I’m a little scared you wouldn’t even notice if someone hit on you. There are guys who sometimes mistake not being rejected as being given a chance.”
I grabbed his wrists as he caressed the skin over my cheekbones with his thumbs, pulling them down as I shook my head.
“Let’s say that was the case in Hong Kong… but the time we went to the Spanish tavern was really early on…. No. Back then, you really weren’t interested in me, CEO… In fact, you were wary of me….”
Unmoved by my attempts to pull his wrists down, he bent his waist to look at my face from even closer. A face so handsome it was beyond what one would normally see could itself be a form of pressure. I shrank back, my voice growing smaller.
“Why….”
“It’s only once in a while, but why is it that I don’t even dislike it when you’re this stubborn? I was just thinking about that.”
If he had said it like a joke, I would have retorted in some way, but his expression was nothing but serious as he studied every corner of my face as if in wonder.
“I won’t deny that at first, I tried to push you away with the same method I use for strangers, but after that, I had a hard time myself, unable to find my balance, going back and forth… getting swept away. Well… that’s my business, and Seo Yeehyeon, you don’t know how I treat someone I’m truly not interested in and truly dislike.”
“……”
That was true, so I couldn’t deny it. He let go of my cheeks and this time placed a hand on the crown of my head, ruffling my hair.
“Why do you think I kept probing you about how things were going with Choi Inwoo every time we met? Because I was genuinely worried? Why would I worry about someone I’m not interested in and am wary of?”
“Ah….”
Just a moment ago, I had been asserting my own opinion that he clearly hadn’t been interested in me back then, but I had to admit that his explanation was far more logical.
It was true. If he had been truly indifferent to me back then, and beyond that, had regarded me with hostility, there would have been no reason for him to worry or be curious about my relationship with Inwoo hyung.
At my sigh of understanding that flowed between my lips, he sighed and pulled at my cheeks from both sides.
“You make me say everything, right up to this point. You don’t let me put on any airs and make me reveal my very core.”
As he thoroughly played with my cheeks with an expression that said I was utterly exasperating, I could spot an unexpected shyness in a corner of his face, an embarrassment at his frank confession of feelings. The boyish side of him, who I had thought was flexible and skilled in all situations, including romance, and who had never hesitated even when revealing his jealousy, was refreshing.
The rawness of an unripe boy, upset that he couldn’t be as cool as he wanted in front of the person he liked, flickered beneath his face.
But, while I couldn’t know what kind of airs he had tried to put on in front of me, in my eyes, he had never once been anything but cool, so it was an unnecessary worry.
After fiddling with them for a while, he gathered my cheeks to make my lips pucker like a fish and planted a peck on them, then glanced up at the wall clock behind me.
“The chaotic period of my resistance to Seo Yeehyeon’s gravitational pull isn’t a topic to be tossed off as a passing remark while standing in front of a sofa like this. So for today, let’s leave it at that… I won’t disturb you anymore. Get to work.”
Time always passed quickly when we were together, even when we weren’t doing anything special. I turned to check the clock and was surprised to see that nearly an hour had passed since I’d come down to the studio.
“Will you send me a message before you go to sleep?”
“I will. But just in case I’m very late….”
I followed him as he climbed the stairs leading to the first floor, grabbing the edge of the railing and looking up. He smiled and ruffled my hair.
“I won’t wait up. If I’m sleepy, I’ll just go to bed, so don’t worry about it and focus.”
Leaning far over the railing, he cupped my cheeks with his hands and kissed my forehead, the space between my brows, and the bridge of my nose in succession. And finally, our lips met. It was a kiss of just lip contact, without tongue, but even that alone sent a light tremor through me.
By now, we kissed often, as if it were a daily routine, even when we weren’t having sex, but he always poured all his affection into a single kiss. I, too, put all my sincerity and focus into conveying my feelings to him. Though it was also that I couldn’t help but do so, even if I tried not to.
I don’t know what time I sketched until. The last time I checked the clock, it was 11, and after that, my sense of time grew faint. As I actually moved the pencil, my plans changed a few times along the way, narrowing the drafts down to just three. By the time I had transferred the rough sketch of the final draft onto the canvas, I was completely exhausted.
I barely managed to wash up, change my clothes, and crawl onto the bed, burying my face in the pillow. Only then did the sound of rain, tapping lightly against the window, enter my ears. It wasn’t a heavy rain.
In a languor where a sense of depletion and a sense of fulfillment coexisted, as if my body and mind had been emptied yet were brimming over, I fought with my eyelids to send him a message.
Late on a Friday night. What was he doing with his time?
Whatever he was doing, just the awareness that he existed somewhere in this house made the muscles around my mouth soften into a smile. My whole body relaxed, as if I were soaking in hot water. I could feel a sense of security and sink into a deep sleep. Feeling secure about my own state and my surroundings was a sensation I had long forgotten.
I had felt secure when he and I were holding each other on the rooftop, too. If I had felt like the king of the world up there, it wasn’t because of the view that seemed to look down on everything below.
I didn’t even know when I fell asleep. At some point, my consciousness blacked out with a snap, and at the sensation of someone fixing my pillow and gathering my body to pull me into an embrace, my deeply submerged consciousness momentarily floated to the surface.
The studio maintained a preset humidity and temperature, so even in midsummer, my body temperature would drop if I didn’t sleep properly under the covers. The warmth of a bare chest against my chilled skin felt so good that I curled up, burrowing into the firm chest right in front of me.
It wasn’t the unfamiliar touch of a stranger. The familiar, friendly scent and warmth made me feel safe. There was no need to even open my eyes to confirm who it was.
This might be a dream. I thought so even as I rubbed my forehead against the nape of his neck, searching for the most comfortable position.
But now, I didn’t care if it was a dream. Because even if this was a dream, the person who could give me this much affection and security was waiting for me in the real world. The arm wrapped around my back held me carefully. Lips touched the crown of my head. Sleep well. As if I had been waiting for those two words, my consciousness sank deep below the surface again after the low whisper.
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