I stood there, looking back and forth between him and my brother. After Inwoo-hyung arrived, I had let the driver go home early. Someone needed to open and close the garage door, but he showed no sign of moving.
Thump, thump. At the sudden noise, I looked up at the window facing the garden. It must have been a sudden shower; from the very start, rather large raindrops were assailing the pane.
“What’s with the rain? I should get going before the traffic gets bad.”
My brother, who had been slowly backing away while keeping both of us in his sight, turned back toward the front door with an ambiguous, crooked smile. I had no choice but to follow him out, but just as I took a step, he, who had approached me at some point, grabbed my shoulder.
“Sorry, but could you go get some beer from upstairs?”
His eyes were not on me, but on my brother’s retreating back. Was I being too sensitive to feel a hint of reproach in his grip, which pressed down with more force than usual?
When I returned to the room with the beer, he had already seen Hyung off and was standing at the table, holding a wine bottle and looking down at the label. I wondered if my brother, who had been drinking wine, had properly called a designated driver, but I had a gut feeling that this wasn’t the right time to ask such things. Slowing my steps, I approached and hesitantly placed the translucent green beer bottle on the table.
“Um… I didn’t go out, hyung came over to the house, so…”
Right after he got home from work, we would usually cling to each other, constantly sharing small touches as if to compensate for the half-day we’d spent apart. This was the first time we had maintained a distance in such an unstable, chilled atmosphere. This unfamiliar discomfort paradoxically highlighted the gentle intimacy we had shared until now.
He quietly set down the wine bottle and turned to look at me, standing awkwardly three or four steps away, rubbing my arm. His face was still like a piece of pottery on the verge of shattering. I could feel his patience, the way he was suppressing himself with all his might to keep the cracks from turning into destruction.
“And, it was almost time for you to get off work anyway, Director…”
“Why are you making excuses?”
“That’s…”
That’s because you look like you’re in a very bad mood.
—I couldn’t say that. I knew his question wasn’t a sign of curiosity seeking a real answer. I had been rattling on about why I hadn’t contacted him beforehand, but it occurred to me that maybe he wasn’t upset about the lack of contact, but about the fact that I had been with Hyung at all.
Saying thanks for bringing the beer, he twisted off the cap and drained a third of it in one go. In that time, the sound of the rain, which had gone from a patter to a proper downpour, carved an irregular rhythm into the room. The room had grown rapidly darker in just a few minutes, but neither of us thought to turn on a light.
“The painting… it’s a problem if you make arrangements like reservations without consulting the gallery.”
It had only been Inwoo-hyung’s one-sided declaration; I had never shown any sign of accepting it. But it didn’t seem like telling him that now would make him feel better and smile.
“You didn’t know since it’s your first time, so I’ll try to talk to Choi Inwoo about it somehow this time, but…”
He tilted his chin up and tipped the beer bottle back in a rush. As if he wasn’t drinking it, but pouring it down his throat.
“Who you send Seo Yeehyeon’s paintings to… from now on, at least let me be part of the discussion.”
His face was contorted, as if he were forcing out words that were difficult to say. If his low mood was due to jealousy, and if that jealousy extended even to my paintings, then telling him I had no intention of selling the painting to Hyung might help a little.
As I wracked my brain, squeezing out what little eloquence I had to figure out how to bring it up, a bell rang from inside his briefcase. Taking another sip of beer and setting the bottle down, he took out his phone, checked the caller ID, and, with his lips sealed, let out a sigh through his nose before answering.
“What is it now?”
I thought it would be a work-related call, but his first words were informal. He glanced my way, then turned his back and walked away from the sofa.
“It’s a party just like the ones we always have. The guest list was made by us and them together, and I’ve confirmed the final list, so there’s nothing to worry about. We also carefully selected and invited influential and serious media outlets. You just have to do the same thing you do here. Yuni and I will be with you the whole time, nothing will be different.”
I had a feeling I knew who he was talking to. Now, my own mood was plummeting.
After about five minutes of pacing the studio, struggling to persuade artist Shushu, he suddenly cast a brief glance my way and lowered his voice.
“Alright, I’ll be there in thirty minutes, so let’s talk then…. What? Cheese ca… ha… I know, I know which one you mean. I’ll buy it on my way. Just don’t invite someone over and then fall asleep before they get there.”
Along with my plummeting mood, the warmth in my chest seemed to cool. It wasn’t just a tender conversation that could make one feel jealous. Even in their bickering, I could feel the long history they shared, how well they knew each other.
The violent emotions that surged through me were so unfamiliar they were bewildering. Pretending to be annoyed, pretending to be troubled, but in the end, aren’t you giving in to all of Shushu’s demands? I wanted to criticize and attack him with a cold voice and expression.
I had been bothered by his relationship with Shushu for a long time, and I had even confessed to him that I wished he wouldn’t engage in skinship like giving her piggyback rides… but my previous feelings hadn’t been this ugly. Feeling as though my entire face and heart were being scorched, shriveling and hideously distorting like a piece of plastic wrap with holes burned in it, I rubbed my mouth and looked away from him.
He stopped in the middle of the empty space and spoke.
“She said she wasn’t told about the party, and she’s making a fuss, saying she hates parties and photoshoots… we’re back to square one. How does she plan to break into a new market without any promotion? I’m sorry, but tonight… you’ll have to manage dinner on your own.”
At his definitive statement that he was going to see Shushu, my gaze snapped to him. My heartbeat grew faster and faster as I watched his profile while he irritably swept his hair back and quickly sent a message to someone. The sound of the rain, pouring down irregularly, sometimes weak, sometimes strong, heightened my anxiety.
He always acted so annoyed when Manager Lim rushed him, so why was he insisting on meeting Shushu in person now? Why did it have to be right now? The impulse to interrogate him harshly was simply baffling. It was an ugly side of myself I didn’t want to face, but more than that, I didn’t want to let him go.
As he grabbed the jacket he had draped over the back of the sofa and tried to pass by me, I followed and lightly caught his arm above the elbow.
“Can’t you… not go?”
Devoid of any sophisticated rhetorical skill, the single phrase that broke through my desperation was direct. He stopped and turned back, his eyes widening slightly. I was surprised by my own actions, but once the most crucial words were out, I decided not to care about petty pride or fear.
“If you leave like this now…”
“……”
Unable to think of any better words to hold him back, I bit my lower lip hard and then released it. Lacking the courage to face him, I dropped my gaze to his shoulder and said helplessly.
“I wish you wouldn’t go.”
He didn’t respond right away.
The muscles of his forearm, revealed below his twice-rolled-up sleeve, were taut. The broad chest beneath his shirt fell and rose in a wider range than usual, pushing the fabric taut. We hadn’t raised our voices at each other, nor had we exchanged the kind of draining tirades meant to inflict wounds, but we were already being consumed by each other’s emotions. We had given each other that right. It felt like I was seeing a part of the raw face of a relationship.
Within my field of vision, he let out a breath as he relaxed his shoulders.
“Right now I’m too… anyway, it’ll be better if we’re not together.”
“……”
“I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I’m just going for work, so…”
So don’t get any strange ideas, he seemed to mean.
It’s not that I didn’t trust him. I knew it was just work, that there was nothing between him and Shushu, yet I didn’t want to let him go. I couldn’t blame him for being unable to hide his agitated feelings and acting out, even though he must have known nothing had happened between me and Inwoo-hyung. Rather… I understood.
He placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezed it once, and then left the room. It was just… the kind of touch that felt like nothing, the kind that might pass between him and Juhan-hyung, just that kind of skinship.
The soundproofing wasn’t as good as upstairs, so the rain was loud, as if I were standing in the middle of a heavy downpour. I stood blankly in the sound of the rain for a long time, trying to control my emotions.
I tried to move, thinking I should at least clean up the messy table, but my hands just moved about busily without any efficiency. Trying to put the cracker plate on a tray, I knocked over the wine bottle, and the remaining dark red liquid spilled out. I’m not the type to get annoyed over such things, but I cursed my own foolish mistake out loud as I wiped up the wine pooled on the table and floor.
I had only just cleaned that up, but my body felt limp as if I had done some strenuous physical labor. I gave up on the half-hearted tidying and sank onto the sofa, drinking the beer he had left behind.
I hadn’t dreamed such a childish dream that there would only be sweet days. But I think I had arbitrarily assumed that if we were to fight, it would be for some more profound, internal reason.
His judgment that it would be better for us not to be together right now might have been the slightly more mature decision. Trying to console myself with that thought, I pulled my legs up onto the sofa, bent my knees, and rested the beer bottle on them. As if I knew anything about the taste of cigarettes, I craved one for the first time in a long while.
“……”
A mechanical sound mixed with the rain made my body flinch and stiffen. It was the sound of the keypad on the door lock. I rose awkwardly from my seat. My heart began to beat fast, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up and be disappointed later. He might have just forgotten something. He had left his briefcase. Or maybe he had come back, his anger not yet subsided, intending to continue the fight.
The lock disengaged, and he opened the door. Even after opening it, he didn’t come inside, but stood in the hallway, holding the doorknob and looking at me. His face looked as if he were asking for permission to enter.
I walked quickly around the table and toward him. Seen up close, his eyes were no longer trying to control his emotions as they had been before he left the room.
“I’m sorry, for acting so childishly.”
“……”
He spoke with force, as if wanting to make it clear that it was his fault.
“I’m trying not to be like that… but it’s not working. I’m ten years older and I can’t even control my emotions over something like this… it’s pathetic.”
I pushed open the door he hadn’t fully opened with my shoulder and shook my head firmly.
“Just seeing you drinking with another guy made me angry… but your painting, the painting that could be your first work as the artist Seo Yeehyeon, you showed it to another guy, and you handed it over to another guy’s hands where I wasn’t present…”
He stopped talking and took a deep breath.
“It felt like you had slept with another guy, and I thought I was going to lose my mind…”
I couldn’t let him break himself down any further. I closed the remaining two steps and pressed my lips to his. I felt his surprised body go rigid. As if lost and found again, his lips, pressed against mine, were sweeter than before.
His hands, which had reflexively grabbed my side, slowly wrapped around my waist. Now it was my turn to be childish, pathetic, and honest.
“Don’t go. Being alone with her… I don’t like it.”
As if my words, like a bothersome tantrum, were a beautiful and noble confession, he looked down at me with an emotional expression.
His arms wrapped tightly around my waist as he pressed his lips to mine. It was his kiss, sucking and biting at my lips hard enough to cause a tingling pain. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he kissed me urgently, as if to cover and push me down. His tongue pushed through our more deeply sealed lips, invading as if to block my breath, exploring every inch of the hidden membrane.
Half-lifting me in his arms, he stepped into the room. Behind him, the door lock engaged automatically with a cheerful sound.
Leave a Reply