Pausing his story for a moment, he asked if he could smoke. Instead of answering, I picked up the pack of cigarettes and the lighter that were placed closer to my side and handed them to him. A bittersweet scent rose with the smoke. He exhaled the smoke in a breath as long as his deep inhale and spoke.
“The moment I heard they were going to study abroad in New York together, I had a rough idea of what Hong Sun-woo’s goal was… but the problem was.”
His brow furrowed tightly, and he pressed hard on his eyelids as if feeling a headache. It wasn’t hard to deduce that the source of those study-abroad funds must have been Shushu.
“That I’d had a past relationship with Hong Sun-woo, that I knew what kind of bastard he was, and that his boyfriend was trying to use him for his own success. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Shushu that.”
None of those things were easy to say to a long-time friend. He wiped a hand over his face, took a deep drag of his cigarette, and shifted his posture.
“You’re an omega. You have no future with a beta man…. I tried to persuade him with that kind of… obvious, heartless nonsense, but it had no effect at all.”
The two had already been together for over a year by then, and to completely break them apart, he would have had to reveal everything about Hong Sun-woo’s past with him and shock Shushu. But in the face of his happy friend, who was deeply in love and trusted his partner, that choice couldn’t have been easy.
“If I confessed everything… I might have been able to stop him from leaving for New York with Hong Sun-woo right away, but Shushu would have had to suffer the shock of betrayal either way. And if you added the shock that his precious first love was his best friend’s former partner…. I didn’t know if his mind, which was much more fragile back then than it is now, could have handled it….”
Resting the hand holding the cigarette on the armrest, he looked down at its glowing tip and shook his head. Then he slowly brought the cigarette to his lips.
“At the time, I was just visiting Seoul on vacation and had to go back to Hong Kong, and once I returned to my daily life, there were even more limits to trying to stop him over the phone from another country.”
This time, he hung his head like a sinner.
“In the end, that was it. I was afraid of the shock he would receive right in front of my eyes, so I couldn’t stop him more aggressively.”
His voice was self-reproachful. Suddenly, he lifted his glass and swallowed several mouthfuls of whiskey without any ice, then took a drag of his cigarette. He was like a man trying to punish himself, even if indirectly, with the harmful substances of alcohol and tobacco.
Shushu’s lover was a man he’d had a past relationship with. —I had thought the story would lead to how Shushu had no choice but to break up with his lover after finding that out, but the situation was more complicated than that.
He had ultimately chosen not to tell Shushu about Hong Sun-woo’s past and his true nature, which meant that wasn’t the reason they had broken up.
“The two of them stubbornly left for New York as planned, and surprisingly, they lived together for two more years after going to New York.”
After another sip of alcohol, he let out a light snort. His story was now flowing like a monologue reminiscing about the past.
“Then again, it’s impossible to know if those two years they didn’t break up were a time they were entirely focused on each other. Who knows if that bullshit continued for the whole two years, just without getting caught.”
His lips twisted into a cynical expression as he stubbed out the now-short cigarette in the ashtray with a rough motion.
“Shushu had Achilles tendon restoration surgery for an injury he got during practice. He was going to the center regularly for physical therapy. Back then, the surgery results were perfect, and the probability that he could continue dancing was very high. It wasn’t at a level to be worried about. But one day, his therapist had to leave early for a family matter, and Shushu, who was very shy around strangers, rescheduled instead of training with another therapist and went home much earlier than planned.”
From his earlier expression, ‘that bullshit,’ I could somewhat predict what happened next. Even though I could predict it, my mouth went dry, and I drank the beer in my hand for the first time. The beer had already gone lukewarm.
“In the very bed where he slept and started each day with his lover, with the man he at least believed was his lover, he had to witness the scene of his lover so engrossed in sex, screaming with a different man’s cock stuck in his ass, that he didn’t even notice the bedroom door had opened. The sight of his lover, completely different from when he held him, panting and not knowing what to do with himself in the pleasure of being taken by another man….”
My face contorted as if I had become another witness to that scene. I set the beer bottle down on the table, wrapped my hands around my head, and bowed my head. It was a horrific story.
“After that, well… it was a total mess. I only heard a brief account from Shushu, so I don’t know the details, but Shushu ran out, and to catch him, that bastard chased after him, naked without a stitch of underwear on… In the midst of their struggle on the apartment stairs, Shushu, who was wailing and thrashing about like someone who had lost their mind, missed a step and suffered the same injury to his surgically repaired ankle again. They said he was so out of his mind at the time… that he couldn’t even feel the pain.”
He probably wouldn’t have felt it even if there had been a greater pain. One year from when he introduced Hong Sun-woo, then two years after leaving for New York. That was a total of three years together. If you witnessed your lover’s affair in such a way… not just Shushu, but no one would be able to remain calm. I… if it were me….
I found and grabbed the beer bottle I had set down again. The lukewarm beer had become more bitter and the carbonation flat, but I just mechanically swallowed the liquid.
“With that, Shushu’s life as a dancer, and the two’s relationship, came to an end. Of course, Hong Sun-woo could no longer receive Shushu’s financial support. I don’t know what tricks he pulled after that, but after taking about a year off, he did eventually graduate.”
He spoke of Hong Sun-woo’s subsequent fate in a tone that said he couldn’t care less, and refilled his glass. Slowly emptying the refilled glass, he painfully continued his story.
About a year after the accident, he opened Phantom in Seoul with the Director, and it took another two years to get the completely ruined Shushu to hold a camera and focus on photography enough to have his first solo exhibition.
During that time, he heavily confessed the guilt he had felt while watching over Shushu. I couldn’t say anything to him.
“If Shushu were to find out now, after everything with Hong Sun-woo is over, about my past with that bastard, and that we both kept our mouths shut about it… he probably wouldn’t be able to recover this time. He’d think that every single suggestion and word I’ve said to him over the past years was just pity born from guilt. He’s the type whose thoughts naturally flow in a negative direction.”
Why he had shown such a hostile attitude toward the work or the artist in front of Lovers on a Bed. What he must have felt when Hong Sun-woo reappeared before his eyes. I wasn’t trying to be arrogant and say I understood everything, but a certain degree of conjecture and empathy was more than possible.
Thinking of the time he must have spent treating Shushu until now, shouldering the far-from-light weight of guilt as a part of himself, I lowered my gaze and spoke cautiously.
“I’m sorry….”
“……”
It was a very small voice, but of course, he didn’t miss it. I felt his gaze on my face but couldn’t meet it, and answered the question his eyes must have been asking.
“For being childishly jealous… of Artist Shushu….”
He let out a soft laugh. It was a laugh that seemed to say he hadn’t expected me to react that way. When I lifted my gaze, which had been directed at his knees, his face, with its faint smile and warm air, was looking at me. He was no longer the man who seemed buried in the past, rambling on as if talking to himself, but had returned to the man who was looking at me in the present moment.
“Choi In-woo transferred to Minton in the middle school program right after he presented, and we’ve been friends since then… but Shushu and I have been together since kindergarten.”
H.M.I.S., where the children of wealthy Asian families gathered, did not officially declare itself an educational facility exclusively for alphas and omegas, but to transfer in after middle school, one had to be confirmed as a presented alpha or omega, and for admission to kindergarten and elementary school, at least one parent had to be an alpha or omega. That too was not an official requirement, but a clearly existing unspoken condition.
Although there were occasional beta students mixed in the middle and high school programs, it was limited to cases where the family’s influence was exceptionally outstanding, and in cases where presentation did not occur, most ended up transferring schools due to unspoken pressure. No, within H.M.I.S., that was recognized as almost a tradition, a natural procedure. Therefore, a student who completed their high school education there could be considered an alpha or omega from the highest privileged class, was his explanation.
“To me, who was so indifferent to others that I was called cold, and who was an only child, he’s like a Hyung I grew up with. But… no one, in any case, comes before your feelings.”
He stated it clearly, in a tone full of conviction. I already trusted him enough from the actions he had shown me so far.
“I’m not… worried about that.”
He smiled once more at my mumble and just looked at me for a long time. We had both had a tiring day and hadn’t even had dinner, but I didn’t feel hungry. Outside the window, it had become completely dark.
“Anyone can maintain an objective distance and a cool perspective on other people’s affairs, draw plausible conclusions, and give clear-cut advice… but when it comes to their own affairs… they hesitate even after the conclusion has been reached. The reason is simple. No matter how perfect a conclusion may seem, it’s bound to have flaws, and that trivial probability of failure that you could easily erase for someone else’s life becomes an undeniable fear in your own. The fear of a mere 1% chance of failure gags a person, ties their feet… and turns them into a fool who can’t make a decision even when they know the problem will worsen as time goes by.”
I knew what he was saying better than anyone. Because I was the one who had neglected my father’s silence and ignored the problem precisely because of that fear. Afraid of being rejected again, I didn’t take any action to pull my father out of his silence. I knew that without trying something, there would be no change in the relationship, but even knowing… I just chose to be a bystander to the situation.
As if mulling over his own words, he looked at me again for a long time without speaking. I couldn’t look away from his eyes, which were a lighter shade of blue than usual. He had a face that looked like it would collapse the moment I looked away. It was the face of a person holding on with difficulty, and I understood his struggle.
“I used to push Shushu, asking if his judgment was clouded because he was swept up in some emotion like love that could disappear at any moment, but now….”
Without finishing his sentence, he turned his head as if to flee and drank. Then he looked at me again, took a deep breath, and opened his mouth.
“What would happen to me if I lost you. I think about it every day.”
“……”
“I’m seized by that thought several times a day. Not only when you’re not by my side, but even when we’re together like this… even at the peak of ecstasy, when I’m inside you, connected to you by a knot, completely drenched in the pleasure you give me, the truth is, I’m afraid.”
It was a completely unexpected confession, and I even felt a slight shock. It sounded like a confession of how deeply he loved me, but I didn’t want the most overwhelming emotion he experienced through me to be fear.
“Seo Yeehyeon .”
His voice was calm and composed, without any wavering or trembling, but strangely, there was something about it that made me feel a vague sense of dread about the words that would follow. My chest felt unsettled, like an ill-fitting door rattling in a strong wind.
“……”
“……Should we get married?”
But the statement that came from his lips, from his calm face, was not a threatening one.
If it were an impulse, I would have felt some faint agitation, but his voice, his gaze on me, and his expression were as steady as if he were bringing up a story he had prepared for a long time.
So many things I wanted to say, had to say, filled my chest, but it felt like he was trying to say it all with that one phrase… I could even feel that kind of deliberation.
Leave a Reply