Diamond dust.
Another name for it was fine ice.
It was a phenomenon where fine ice crystals, or bingjeong, suspended in the air near the ground, shine as they catch the sun’s rays. Unlike snow, which falls from above, it was named for the way it looked as if the dust floating in the atmosphere had turned into glittering jewels.
It wasn’t as well-known a phenomenon as the auroras in Canada or Iceland, or a desert mirage, but after reading about it in a book once, I had thought that I’d like to see it with my own eyes someday, if I ever got the chance.
“Marcus suddenly brought it up. He said a fellow scholar had traveled to Harbin last winter… and that if you’re lucky enough to encounter a large-scale diamond dust event, it can be a very mystical and fantastical experience.”
My curiosity about why he had suddenly brought it up was satisfied, but his mood concerned me more. It wasn’t the lighthearted air of someone mentioning a topic that had come up in conversation.
He was trying to act as he normally did, but contrary to his calm demeanor, I could feel a sense of anxiety, as if he didn’t know what to do, or the stirrings of a passionate emotion. I set the picture frame back in its original place and turned my body completely toward him. He pushed himself off the wall and came closer, cupping my cheek. As the distance between us closed, the tension that filled his entire body became more apparent. It seemed he was finding it difficult to control the emotions he had locked inside his body, but he showed no intention of letting them out.
“Later… would you like to go see it with me?”
“……”
“After the New York branch opening is successfully over… and when everything is settled… just the two of us, at a leisurely pace.”
He was smiling faintly, or at least trying to, but he looked exhausted. It seemed there was something more he wanted to say, but I knew well that prying would be useless. He was the kind of person who could decide for himself the most appropriate time to speak.
I simply nodded and wrapped my arms around his waist.
○
Just like yesterday, the dinner was boisterous, warm, and cheerful. They were considerate, making sure I didn’t feel left out for not having shared their time together, and they continued the conversation by telling me their memories. Thanks to them, I was able to hear many stories about his two years in Boston, stories that probably no one in Phantom, not even Inwoo hyung or Shushu, knew.
About his past popularity, where letters and gifts never ceased even though he was homeschooled instead of attending school (Ellen said it felt like living with a superstar. It had felt empty for a while after he left), about the power of the radiant smile the ‘Never Smile Boy’ showed for the first time after completing a half-marathon he was persuaded to enter by Ellen and Marcus, whose hobby was running, and about the ten-line letter the blunt boy had left behind on the day he left them to return to Hong Kong for good.
As Ellen and Marcus spun their tales, he sometimes scratched his brow, let out a sigh, or wiped his face, looking utterly mortified. He tried several times to change the subject, but he never succeeded.
To me, who had only known him as someone who could skillfully steer a conversation in his desired direction no matter who he was with, someone who would even interrupt a conversation in a rather aggressive and mischievous way if he didn’t like the topic, this version of him—embarrassed, yet willingly offering up his past as a topic of conversation—was new and fascinating.
To Ellen and Marcus, who were in their mid-sixties, he seemed to be both a son and a grandson. And though I couldn’t be sure, I thought that most ordinary grandparents would probably be as happy as they were now, reminiscing about their grandson’s childhood on a long-awaited visit.
“Jonas had a particularly hard time after Kun left. At first, he disliked him, calling him an arrogant and unsociable brat, but in less than a month, they were sticking together like Hyung’s.”
Marcus spoke, looking down at the table with a gentle smile as if recalling the good old days, and Ellen, patting the glossy back of Ted who was weaving between the legs of the people gathered around the table, lightly teased him.
“What are you talking about, you had a harder time than Jonas. You were listless for a month, like someone who’d just been heartbroken.”
Jonas was Marcus and Ellen’s son.
When I first heard about Jonas at dinner yesterday, I couldn’t help but be excited. Two years younger than him and now working as a researcher at a pharmaceutical company in a city called Pittsburgh, Jonas was a literal miracle, born to an Alpha female, Ellen, and a Beta male, Marcus.
I learned for the first time last night that while the uterus, ovaries, and eggs of most Alpha females are vestigial, the degree of regression varies from person to person. Although the rate is very low, pregnancy is sometimes possible, and medical assistance can further increase that possibility.
Marcus and Ellen had wanted a child, and Ellen was lucky enough to have viable eggs. And after several difficult failures, they were miraculously able to have Jonas without using a surrogate.
Of course, Ellen’s condition had been exceptionally good, but even with nearly thirty years having passed since Marcus and Ellen had Jonas, it was still a procedure with a low success rate and enormous costs, a high barrier to entry. The lack of demand, Ellen and Marcus explained, inevitably slowed its development and popularization.
I didn’t know for now whether Morae and hyung knew about this procedure, how they would feel if they found out, or even if they wanted a child at all, but I planned to email them the relevant materials with his, Ellen’s, and Marcus’s help as soon as I returned to Seoul.
I didn’t think that having a child was the completion or proof of love, but the fact that they too might be given a choice, however slim the possibility, made me giddy.
If they were to proceed with the procedure, it would require a considerable amount of money… but if the two of them wanted to know the exact probability of success through testing, a resolute thought dominated me: Mr. Lim would have to willingly foot the bill. It was closer to a strong and clear will, based on animosity and a desire for revenge. And whether sticking to such a position was in character for me or not, I had no intention of repenting or retracting it.
By the time we had eaten walnut pie for dessert, several bottles of wine had been emptied, the candles decorating the table here and there had burned down, and a few of them had extinguished their flames, Ted began to whine anxiously and circle in place. Saying he needed to relieve himself, Ellen stood up in place of a rather drunk Marcus, and he volunteered to go with her.
He glanced my way for a moment, as if uneasy about leaving me alone with Marcus, who was in high spirits and rambling on, but he soon put down his wine glass and stood up. He told Marcus it would be best to stop drinking wine now, his words laced with concern.
“Ah… I guess I’m an old man now. When Kun first came to this house, I was an energetic man in my forties, and I’d be fine even if we caroused past midnight.”
Marcus, his gaze fixed on his sturdy back as he left the dining room affectionately with Ellen, shook his head slightly with a smile that was both pleased and wistful.
“Both Kun and Jonas… I can’t believe those sensitive teenage boys, who were so angsty and lost as they tried to find themselves, have become such fully grown young men… They’re not in their twenties anymore, they’re all grown up.”
“……”
“I never thought I’d live to see the day Liu Weikun brought a lover home.”
Marcus leaned his loosely reclining torso forward and emphasized the word “lover” in a playful tone. He also talked about what a special event this was, considering the personality he knew him to have. And that visiting with me made him many times happier than if he had visited alone.
I smiled silently at the thought that at least the people around him all had a consistent opinion of him, and drank some more of my wine.
Marcus brought up the conversation we had last night regarding Jonas and asked a few questions about Morae and hyung. Since it was about people who weren’t present, he didn’t ask in detail, but Marcus was a man rich in experience and wisdom, able to grasp the core of the situation from just a few simple remarks.
“It wasn’t easy for Ellen and me, either.”
Marcus lowered his voice slightly, his hand fumbling with the base of his wine glass.
“The fact that I could have a son with her and be with her for decades, until we became old like this… sometimes it’s still so unbelievable… There was a time when I wasn’t confident about our future.”
Watching Marcus smile as if walking through a dream, as if talking about someone he had just fallen in love with and not a spouse of several decades, a gentle smile spread across my lips as well.
“Was your decision to study pheromones… also greatly influenced by Ellen?”
I ventured the question, and Marcus, his face still smiling, slowly nodded.
“As a Beta, I can never experience the influence of pheromones… but I wanted to know her, to understand her, even if only through theory.”
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