It was ambiguous who the ‘gays’ included in his laugh were. Judging from the conversations we’d had over burgers and beer on the day of the ‘Old Future’ shoot, he himself was gay, or at least bi, and In-woo hyung, who’d had no qualms about showing his interest in me, another man, from the very beginning, was likely no different. Due to my own impulsive remark of ‘I’m gay, you know,’ he had classified me as gay as well. There was no need to piece things together… we had already slept together.
Was it self-deprecation, a repeated assessment of In-woo hyung, who he’d said wasn’t a very good man to date, or a criticism of me? The short mumble and subtle laugh provided too little information to figure it out.
After finishing a cigarette, he turned his body slightly toward me, relaxing his posture.
“I heard you first refused, saying you had a prior engagement, then called back and asked to meet.”
A faint negative nuance could be felt in his words. I still couldn’t tell if In-woo hyung had expressed it that way, or if this was a new interpretation he had attached to Hyung’s words.
His expression wasn’t angry or displeased. Rather, he was suppressing a smile by lightly biting his lower lip, which he then let go of with another soft laugh. I had no idea what he found so amusing all by himself.
“Right… People can’t always be what they seem.”
He was muttering to himself a lot today. He would clearly toss a remark in my direction, then conclude it with a mumble to himself. Faced with his skewed behavior, a long-dormant rebelliousness stirred within me.
“What do you mean by that….”
It felt like he had something to say, but uncharacteristically, he was just circling the issue, prodding me, and it was frustrating.
Rolling a cold, metallic lighter in his hand, he looked up at me and smiled.
“It’s a compliment. Hmm… it’s probably a compliment. You’re twenty-two, an adult, so it would be strange if you were completely clueless about that sort of thing, wouldn’t it? Just because you’re usually quiet doesn’t mean you have to be demure in that area too. I was prejudiced and treated you like a prude, Seo Yeeheyon-ssi. That level of experience is actually more natural.”
There was no sign of deliberate sarcasm on his face as he said it. But it was also true that I could feel a shadow that didn’t look as refreshing as the lightness of his tone suggested.
He was steering the conversation as if I had intentionally used some ‘technique’ to more effectively seduce In-woo hyung.
It was a strange feeling. The misunderstanding was definitely unpleasant, and that discomfort was there, but it wasn’t everything. There was also a light excitement, as if my body and mind were slightly buoyant.
Could this reaction of his be jealousy?
Now that I’d thought about it, it seemed like a ridiculous fantasy. It was a thought I’d had in secret, but my face grew so hot I wanted to scribble over the trace of the thought with a pen. It was enough to make me laugh at myself.
To think I’d leaned toward jealousy. Did I have such an optimistic side to me?
“That sort of thing… what sort of thing is that.”
In my fluster, I might have unknowingly turned the arrow on him, letting loose the rebelliousness that had been stirring inside me. Still, I didn’t put on a defiant expression or use that kind of tone. I had merely asked a question.
Even so, he twitched an eyebrow as if he’d been hit by an unexpected ambush, and the gaze he fixed on me grew heavier.
It would be strange if you were completely clueless about ‘that sort of thing,’ it doesn’t mean you’re demure in ‘that sort of thing.’ —I wanted him to erase such vague boundaries and just get to the heart of the matter.
“I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.”
A long silence followed. Lighting a new cigarette, he seemed to be looking into the very depths of his own mind for an answer to my question. All I’d wanted was to see him a little flustered.
After a long while, as if he’d found his answer, his dry-looking lips parted.
“You’re right. I was being vague. What I want to say is….”
The sound of footsteps approached from the entrance to the partitioned space. It was a deliberate signal, letting the customers know someone was approaching so they could prepare and pause their conversation appropriately.
The manager who had shown us in, brought the drinks himself. A bluish bottle of amber whiskey, several types of ornately cut yet solid-feeling crystal glasses, and a bucket of ice were quietly served on the table.
“I’ll have it straight. Make his easy to drink.”
As per his order, the manager served two drinks in different glasses and different styles, then disappeared as silently as a person moving on clouds, unlike when he had first entered the room.
Fiddling with the slender glass in his hand, he smoothly emptied its contents before continuing his interrupted sentence.
“What I want to say is… that every human being has an unexpected side to them.”
I felt the tension drain from my shoulders. I strongly felt that he was running away, and I could clearly see my own disappointment in that.
This side of me, expecting something like this, felt unfamiliar.
It was true that I wanted to draw his interest, and that I hadn’t felt any aversion when he’d asked me to come up to the bed and sleep with him. I had even sincerely believed his words that he would numb my pain with the act. If someone else had said the same thing to me then, for example, someone like In-woo hyung, I probably would have refused.
But that was all. At least for now.
I had never been in a relationship, let alone had a one-sided crush, but the combination of being interested in someone, wanting to draw their interest, and not disliking physical contact… all of that did not equal love. Just as that night’s encounter was, for him, a form of first aid.
To borrow his expression, I wasn’t enough of a ‘prude’ to not know that.
“That day, why did you do that?”
This time, too, his question came without any warning or knock. He just opened the door and looked around inside. This was much more his style.
What was the ‘why’ he was asking about? I slowly turned it over in my head and brought my glass to my lips. I had braced myself for the harsh burn of alcohol, expecting whiskey, but the surprisingly smooth passage down my throat made my resolve feel pointless.
“I’m asking why you reacted that way to your own painting.”
He pressed me.
I began to think that the dinner with the Director had been nothing more than a preview for him, or a light warm-up. The reason he had brought me all the way here was not to probe me about my time with In-woo hyung last night, nor was it to have a drinking buddy on a rainy evening. There was no jealousy anywhere; there had been none from the start.
“You said… you wouldn’t ask anything.”
“And I didn’t, did I? I didn’t ask a single thing that day.”
That was true.
“I’m the one who took care of you all through that day, Seo Yeehyeon-ssi. Don’t you think I’m entitled to at least that much of an explanation?”
His eyes, staring straight at me without a hint of intimidation, looked as if they were about to bring up more direct topics at any moment.
I’m the one who made you burn up that day and let you exhaust everything so you could sleep. You remember, don’t you? How I carefully touched and kissed every part of your body. Even though I didn’t even get to come. —It felt like he would use such words to back me into a corner, immobilize me, and force my mouth open.
“It wasn’t because of the painting… I just suddenly felt unwell….”
“I see. So it wasn’t because of the painting….”
He nodded as if savoring my words, slowly rubbing his chin. Could he have possibly agreed so easily?
“Then there are no mental obstacles to you painting again.”
“……”
“He asked you to think it over slowly, focusing only on whether you want to paint again or not. Chief Han said he would abide by your decision, Seo Yeehyeon-ssi, but frankly, I won’t.”
Fiddling with his empty glass, he didn’t take his eyes off me. I couldn’t believe this was the same person who, that night, had preemptively understood my feelings, telling me not to force an excuse because he wouldn’t ask anything. But it was somehow different from being coercive. Maybe it was a trick of the light, but I felt something like anxiety at the edges of his gaze.
“I absolutely want you to paint again.”
Want you to.
At a glance, it sounded like he was talking about a hope or a wish, but the power in his gaze and his stubbornly set lips told a different story. That he would make me paint, no matter what.
I didn’t know if it was my imagination or the lighting, but his light-colored eyes, which looked like they might shatter and disappear at any moment, seemed darker than usual. It was as if a blue flame burned within his transparent eyes, like the bottle of liquor before me. To me, who was used to black eyes, his eyes sometimes seemed inorganic. The emotions contained in his bluish eyes were still like a foreign language to me, almost graspable but not quite.
“Accompany me on this business trip to Hong Kong.”
The conversation was taking a sharp, unexpected turn. The man he was when we were with Ms. Han was a fake. He must have planned from the beginning to put me on a boat and push me relentlessly.
“At the art fair, you’ll encounter works by artists of various nationalities, styles, and techniques. Feeling the energy of the art market might give you some good stimulation and change your mind a little. It will help you decide.”
Yuni-noona’s post on the ‘Old Future’ website came to mind. The curiosity about a strange city I had felt after reading it. The sunny excitement about the future I had felt for the first time in a long while. It was true that I sensed a faint scent of that sunlight in his proposal.
But could I really paint again? Was there really that much hope? This wasn’t a matter of mood.
“Director… I’m truly grateful for your offer, but….”
“Suki Kim.”
“……”
The boat, which had lost its balance and seemed about to hit a rock and capsize, came to a stop. The flow of the water stopped, the boat stopped with its bow lifted, and the water droplets that had splashed in all directions also stopped in mid-air. I was frozen, as if fixed in a photograph.
“Foreigners who had trouble with the Korean pronunciation started calling her that, and now ‘Suki Kim’ has stuck as a sort of nickname, but she’s a Korean-American, born and raised in the States, who used her Korean name ‘Kim Suki’ from the very beginning of her career. Of course, now she’s so internationally famous that the name ‘Suki Kim’ has become a symbol in itself. Well… it is a bit much to ask foreigners to pronounce the name Kim Suki perfectly.”
It was only natural that he, a gallery owner, would know the international artist ‘Suki Kim,’ or rather, ‘Kim Suki’-seonsaengnim. Moreover, if he owned ‘Isolation,’ it was highly likely he also knew that she had been a judge at the contest where the painting became known to the world. He might have even purchased the painting directly from her. It wasn’t an impossible scenario. But the proposal that came out of his mouth next was something I had never anticipated.
Taking a new cigarette from the pack, he placed the white stick between his lips and flicked open the lighter’s lid.
“I’ll let you meet her, Suki Kim.”
And then he laid down a card I could not possibly refuse.
Swept up in a dizzying current, I was already being carried away at a speed I could no longer resist.
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