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Spicy seasoned raw skate, chewy pig’s feet, tuna gimbap, and potato pancakes. It wasn’t exactly a harmonious menu, but it was more than enough for a long-awaited luxurious meal for the three of us. A meal accompanied by drinks.
Yuni-noona and Juhan-hyung used to say, half-jokingly, that the one thing all the Phantom members had in common was their love for money and alcohol. Even if getting tipsy wasn’t necessary, I had to admit that just adding alcohol to a conversation made it easier to get things started.
“He started right off by grilling him, like, ‘What are you doing hanging around here all the time?’… A crowd gathered, it was a whole scene. Of course, the other guy didn’t just stand there. A fight almost broke out. No, it was a full-blown fight, just without any punches thrown.”
Morae shot hyung a slightly reproachful look before drinking his soju.
For several days, the same man had been loitering at the entrance to the stairs next to the bus stop. At first, neither Morae nor hyung thought much of it, but after a few days of watching the man, who seemed to have no particular business, wander back and forth between the bus stop and the stairs, hyung grew suspicious. He confronted the man, asking what he was doing snooping around and threatening to hand him over to the police. It turned out the man was the boyfriend of a neighborhood resident, who had been coming by for days to beg for forgiveness after a fight with his girlfriend.
This had happened just yesterday afternoon.
“Seo Juhan was acting like he was really going to drag him to the police station, so the guy was totally flustered… It only ended after his girlfriend came and confirmed he was her boyfriend.”
“Are you kidding me? There are so many psychos these days. How can you just believe someone who says they’re a girlfriend? He could’ve been some guy deluded into thinking he’s her boyfriend and stalking an innocent person. Anyway… thanks to that, the two of them made up, so it all turned out for the best, I guess.”
Seemingly embarrassed by his own mistake, hyung said this while avoiding my gaze, just downing shot after shot of soju.
Normally, hyung was never the type to be so aggressive. The anxious situation had brought out a different side of him. To fall asleep and wake up each day under the threat that our current life could be destroyed at any moment… when I thought about it, it was amazing that he could maintain enough composure to laugh and talk like this.
“It’s because you’re on edge. I get it, seeing a needle and thinking it’s a kitchen knife.”
Morae said, patting hyung’s back. He said it lightly, as if it were nothing, but it was also the phrase that best described hyung and Morae’s current situation.
A life where even a needle looks like a kitchen knife.
Just because they were smiling and talking with me as if nothing was wrong, didn’t mean that such a life was truly nothing.
This time it was a misunderstanding, but what about next time? No, was this incident really just a misunderstanding? It was a question no one could be sure of.
I wasn’t that used to soju yet, but I drained my fourth glass in one go. Instead of loosening up from the buzz, the spirit of the alcohol searing my throat seemed to jolt me to my senses.
“You’re not going to Bali?”
Hyung, who had been opening a new bottle of soju, stopped and looked at me.
“What-li?”
“Bali. I’m asking if you’re not going.”
“What’s this all of a sudden?”
This time, Morae, who had been picking at the seasoned skate, paused his chopsticks with a puzzled expression.
“I’m fine, so go to Bali.”
“What’s with him?”
Hyung put down the soju bottle, and Morae put down his chopsticks.
I had been putting off the decision, telling myself I could finish preparing my heart if they just gave me a little more time, but I knew from experience that the situation wouldn’t wait for my convenience.
Daily life is an extremely fragile glass floor. It is an unguaranteed peace, one that could be shattered at any time, in any way, by any unexpected force. In a situation like this, there was nothing more to say.
“We don’t know when you might get dragged away again here. Even I know that the more we drag this out, the more dangerous it gets.”
Ever since hearing Teacher’s story a few days ago, I couldn’t get Morae and hyung out of my head.
The three of us weren’t a couple, but the essence of the relationship between one human and another wasn’t so different. Breaking things off with the other person to protect oneself after growing weary of each other wasn’t an ending limited to lovers. I couldn’t drive our relationship to the final point where we were all worn to shreds, like Teacher and his partner. I truly didn’t want that.
“The surfing camp, the conditions were good. An opportunity like that doesn’t come often, you know.”
“Hey, I was just looking into it. How can we go anywhere right now? Our security deposit is tied up.”
“So that’s what this is about,” Morae said, relaxing and picking up his chopsticks again.
“It’s not a problem that can’t be solved if you try, something of that level.”
“……”
Morae’s chopsticks stopped once more. It was the first time I had been this insistent with the two of them.
“I… I might start painting again.”
Morae’s and Hyung’s eyes widened. They were reacting more noticeably to the words that I might paint again than to my telling them to go to Bali.
I hadn’t decided anything for certain about painting yet. But even if I didn’t end up painting, I had no intention of keeping their feet tied here any longer under the name of Seo Yeehyeon. On that, at least, I had made up my mind. My first step, for now, would start there.
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The two of them were even happier than I expected at my words that I might paint again, but even so, they showed a complicated reaction, still reluctant to leave me behind.
Encountering ‘Isolation’ at the CEO’s house, how he found out it was my work and encouraged me to try painting again, and even the offer of the Hong Kong business trip. I explained everything in detail so they would be reassured… but I left out the part about having a panic attack upon seeing ‘Isolation’ and the impulsive, accident-like one-night stand with the CEO that followed.
The conclusion we reached after a long persuasion was still lukewarm.
Whether I would try painting again. Whether they would leave for Bali. We decided that we would each think about it, and talk again after my Hong Kong trip. That was today’s harvest.
The buzz from soju was different from that of beer or wine. I thought I was pretty okay while drinking, but the moment I stood up to clear the table, my vision swam and the drunkenness hit me all at once. Morae and hyung must have been quite drunk too, as it was quiet beyond the sliding door.
Was it because of the alcohol? The floor felt like it was swaying, as if I were on a boat, or a surfboard. Even the light seeping through the kitchen window seemed to bend and waver at the boundary between the ceiling and the wall. I thought I would fall asleep right away, but my insides felt as unsettled as the day before moving house. I tossed and turned for a long time, my mind in a state of excitement, a mix of anticipation and anxiety about a new life that kept my feet from touching the ground. Then, I picked up the phone I’d left by my pillow.
[I’m sorry to contact you so late. Um… is it okay if I decide after I get back from Hong Kong, as you suggested last time?]
There was no need to report my decision right now. It was just an impulse. An act spurred on by a light tipsiness, half of it drunken rambling. —Or so I wanted to claim.
I didn’t expect to get a reply from him past 11 PM. But a call was coming through.
Not even a few seconds had passed since I sent the message.
At the name ‘CEO’ displayed on the screen, I sat up without thinking. It was still quiet beyond the sliding door. Clutching the vibrating phone, I kicked off the blanket, got up, and slipped on my slippers, muffling my footsteps as I went out the front door.
Thankfully, the call hadn’t disconnected and was still ringing persistently. The ‘CEO’s call summoning me from the screen felt like a signal transmitted from the distant future. I sat on the outdoor bench and answered the call.
[Yes.]
[…Were you sleeping? You sent the message just a minute or two ago. No, right?]
He asked, pausing at my hoarse voice.
[No, I wasn’t. I came outside to take the call…]
[You said you were going to the house you used to live in, I believe?]
[…Yes.]
I had never told him I was going to Morae and Hyung’s house today, nor had I said it in his presence, but it might have come up by chance while he was talking with Teacher.
Come to think of it, he had known a few things about me before that I hadn’t told him. He had also discussed me with others. Whether I had majored in art or not, whether I was an omega or not. According to Yuni-noona and Juhan-hyung, he would even ask questions about me when I wasn’t around. And yet, in front of me, there was only that impassive gaze.
[You must be out.]
Unlike the silence of where I was, it was noisy on the other end of the line. I rubbed my slippered feet on the ground, trying to focus on his breathing amidst the sound of people’s laughter and high, cheerful voices.
[Ah, I was invited somewhere. It’s all part of the business, you know.]
His voice sounded bored. That day we drank wine at the Spanish tavern, he looked completely uninterested in being there, leaning back crookedly in his chair. But according to Inwoo-hyung, his being there had been purely his own choice. Inwoo-hyung said he had never suggested they go together.
I suddenly found it funny that I was now adding new footnotes to his actions, things I had previously overlooked. Moreover, the direction of my interpretation was uncharacteristically optimistic.
That day, he might have just wanted to escape a boring after-party. But if that were the case, he wouldn’t have needed to follow Inwoo-hyung back to Phantom…
I stopped my thoughts, shook my head with a silent chuckle. Whatever it was, it was all meaningless speculation and calculation.
[You must be tired.]
[…….]
The noise behind his voice gradually faded, as if he were moving away from the group at the gathering. Then it became almost inaudible, as if he had finished moving to an enclosed space. The clatter of a lighter, a click, and a deep breath followed. Listening to it, my mind strangely calmed down.
[The thought that I might soon be able to sign an artist I’ve wanted for a long time has put me in a good mood… so it’s bearable.]
He said, exhaling a long breath.
Ah, he’s talking about me. It took me a moment to realize. The nuance of ‘wanted for a long time’ tickled my ear.
[I haven’t decided for sure yet… The decision will be later….]
[Seo Yeehyeon, you will definitely want to paint again.]
I wanted to ask how he could be so sure. He didn’t even know me well, and even if he had seen my painting, it was only one piece. Was this also a gut feeling from someone with the ‘ability to recognize art’ that Teacher had mentioned? Or was it confidence in his own discerning eye, which he himself had spoken of so assuredly?
I lifted my head. The lights of Seoul, seen from the rooftop, were once again flickering and swaying like squid-fishing boats on the sea.
He had stepped away from the boisterous and seemingly cheerful gathering to focus on his call with me, but I suddenly felt dissatisfied with the fact that he was not where I was, and I was not where he was. The memory of his cologne teased my sense of smell, threatening to resurface. I wiped the sweat from my palm on my shorts and readjusted my grip on the phone.
[I want to paint. But… I haven’t been able to for a long time.]
I hadn’t expected to make such an honest confession. And to him, of all people.
He didn’t try to comfort me with gentle words. Instead, he stated with conviction.
[Don’t worry. You’ll find new stories you want to paint.]
He was speaking with certainty, but his tone was gentle.
I hoped his words would come true. I had never wished for anything so much.
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