Unlike moments ago when he had hesitated, filled with sorrow for a person he could not approach, his eyes were now facing Yeehyeon head-on. His calm, ash-tinged blue eyes were neither pleading with emotion nor forcing it upon him.
In this moment, he seemed wholly immersed in the act of conveying his love itself. Whether it was a noble love or a twisted one… just as it was.
Yeehyeon’s lips parted slightly. His gaze fixed on that small movement, Liu drew in a deep breath. Glancing at the way Liu’s hands tightened on the steering wheel, Yeehyeon quietly opened his mouth.
“The things you just said… I don’t doubt them.”
Although Liu seemed to be trying his best not to show it, Yeehyeon could see his eyes waver with a faint hope. Conscious that Liu was reacting sensitively to his every word, Yeehyeon wrapped both hands around the paper cup.
“But separate from that, how I’m supposed to accept the situation that’s led us here… I’m still confused.”
Liu leaned closer as if to say something, then bit his lower lip and drew back again. On the steering wheel, his hands were now clenched into tight fists.
“You said you wanted to love me as an Alpha, too… but I don’t know what it’s like to be dominated by pheromones.”
“There’s no reason or obligation for you to know.”
“……”
Looking into Liu’s eyes as he spoke quickly and firmly, Yeehyeon shook his head.
“It’s not that there’s no obligation. When I didn’t know you were Changing me, I… said I loved you, and while I believed that, I never tried to know you as an Alpha.”
“Wanting to Change you was a desire I had as an Alpha, but I didn’t say that to demand your understanding, as if the Alpha part of me is something I can’t help.”
Yeehyeon shook his head firmly.
“I’m speaking separately from the fact that you Changed me. It’s not that I have to understand your Changing because I didn’t try to know you as an Alpha.”
Liu, who had been staring at Yeehyeon in silence, wiped a hand over his face, then turned to face forward and let out a breath that sounded like a groan.
“……Right.”
His voice was so low it was almost extinguished.
Leaning over the steering wheel, biting his lower lip hard as he stared out at the rain-drenched sea, he looked as if he were forcibly holding back the emotions that filled his body to overflowing. Yeehyeon felt the same.
Before coming here, when he had gone to see him at Phantom, his dominant feelings had been confusion, bewilderment, and a seething sense of betrayal. But now that the initial emotions had subsided to some extent, what he felt as he looked at the situation was closer to sadness and sorrow.
“Since you’re a Golden Alpha, you must be almost perfectly free from your pheromones. I don’t know much about it, but I just thought I could think of it as being similar to a Beta. That’s all I thought.”
Just as he had never paid any special attention to Morae as an Alpha.
Yeehyeon dropped his head and looked down at the paper cup in his hands. He didn’t want to deal with this issue emotionally anymore, but his throat was so tight it was difficult to speak.
“I’m a Beta, so how did I stimulate your pheromones?”
His face, which had been staring straight ahead, turned back to Yeehyeon, his expression stiff.
“Inwoo-hyung said it, didn’t he? What’s the point of suppressing your pheromones like that? Are you trying to become a Beta? You’re someone who can control your pheromones that thoroughly… so why couldn’t you do that with me, a Beta and not an Omega?”
Regretting the useless words he had blurted out as if cornering him, Yeehyeon turned his head toward the passenger-side window. Feeling his eyes grow hot, he bit his lower lip and furrowed his brow. He wished the drink in his hand were alcohol, not coffee.
After a long moment of stillness from the seat beside him, Yeehyeon heard the quiet sound of Liu lighting a cigarette. The sharp scent of tobacco filled the car’s interior. After two or three slow drags, Liu spoke in a weary voice.
“I was skilled at defending against external pheromones that stimulated me, but I suppose I wasn’t as skilled against the internal stimulus of my pheromones being moved by the desire that comes from loving someone.”
“……”
“You’re the first person I’ve ever wanted like this, so I don’t know the definite answer… but maybe, while I could control the pheromones of others, I didn’t know how to control myself in order to love maturely.”
It was hard to accept. What he had received from him wasn’t just the resolution of his basic needs and a life of abundance beyond that. The empathy, the advice, the fulfillment of the moments he had confessed his past and been understood by him—all of it still remained in his body. He was by no means an immature person.
But Yeehyeon already knew from experience. Even mature people sometimes make immature mistakes.
Before his mother’s accident, his father, too, had been one of the most mature people the young Yeehyeon could imagine, a man with a gentle core who didn’t let others’ standards sway his life.
After the sound of a slow drag on the cigarette, Liu’s heavy voice continued.
“It was beyond immature—it was ugly and selfish. It’s probably… the most terrible thing you can do to someone you love.”
It wasn’t self-criticism meant to provoke Yeehyeon’s sympathy. If anything, he was distancing himself from the emotion, as if talking about someone else.
Looking down at the cooling cup of coffee he had barely touched, Yeehyeon recalled Inwoo’s merciless coldness when he had compared Liu’s Changing to rape. His clear-cut verdict, cleanly separating Yeehyeon as the victim and Liu as the bastard.
For the past few days, he had thought it over and over, believing there had to be a right answer somewhere. But whether he looked toward cutting Liu off or accepting him, neither option felt completely satisfying. It wasn’t as clean-cut as Inwoo had made it.
“You’re right. It was a selfish, ugly, and terrible thing to do.”
“……”
“But… that wasn’t all it was.”
“……”
“Because I know that… I’m like this, unable to do one thing or the other.”
That was the honest truth. The endless hesitation that came from being unable to coldly cast him aside, yet unable to fully accept him either.
“You’re the one who changed my body. So the only one who can pass judgment on you for this is me, the person involved… There isn’t a right answer somewhere, the decision I make is the right decision, isn’t it….”
Yeehyeon pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. Liu hastily stubbed out his cigarette, took the paper cup from Yeehyeon’s hand, and secured it in the holder. Turning toward him, he reached out a hand toward Yeehyeon, but couldn’t bring himself to touch his shoulder.
“Yes, that’s right. The only one who can pass sentence on me is you. The decision you make is the right decision. No one can hold you to a different standard or judge your decision.”
To keep from crying, Yeehyeon squeezed his entire face shut. As if he couldn’t bear to watch any longer, Liu cupped the back of Yeehyeon’s neck and pulled him closer. His lips touched Yeehyeon’s temple.
“Do you remember what I said then? In Chicago. When we first told each other we loved each other.”
It was impossible to easily forget the moment he had told someone he loved them and heard it back for the first time in his life.
“That no matter what happens in the future, I hope the sincerity of these words is never doubted or damaged. I asked you for that, didn’t I?”
“……”
“I don’t dare utter the word forgiveness in front of you. Just… please know that I love you. My promise to never let anyone else smell my pheromones. I’ll keep protecting that, and I’ll be here….”
Yeehyeon shook his head. He wanted to give up on driving himself into a corner, pretending to be full of nothing but venom, and just be honest. That seemed like it would be more comfortable.
“I don’t know…. I really hate you, and I want to rail at you for making the situation like this… but if I leave… what will happen to you….”
Liu pulled his body away from Yeehyeon’s and gripped both of his shoulders tightly. Then he lowered his head to meet his eyes. His eyes were bloodshot, but they were no longer wavering.
“Yeehyeon.”
“……”
“Even before you knew about the Changing, you knew you had to go to Paris, didn’t you? Don’t sacrifice the path you have to take… just to forgive me.”
The memories of leaning on him for comfort, of being able to face himself and his past within his love, had not been violated. But to constantly expect from another the value one could not give oneself could not be love. The Changing wasn’t the only reason he had to leave.
Liu’s hands gently pulled Yeehyeon in once more.
I’m okay. I’m really okay, he whispered in his ear, repeating it several times.
“I’ll keep loving you. If you ever suddenly want to see me on a whim, I’ll come running. And if you say you can’t stand the sight of me after that, I’ll disappear right away. I don’t care if we repeat that over and over. So don’t give up anything because of me.”
Yeehyeon sucked in a breath. He gripped the front of Liu’s chest, which was right below his gaze.
“You’ve already… changed so much because of me.”
His voice, seeping in gently, was the Liu Wikoff he knew. But he hadn’t wanted to take only the softness from him.
“Paris isn’t that hard of a place for me to get to. You know that. I’ve been going once or twice a year until now, so if you’re there, what’s to stop me from going once a month, or even once a week? Physical distance is nothing.”
He knew Liu wouldn’t come. But Yeehyeon bit his lip and nodded. He curled his fingers, gripping Liu’s shirt even tighter. The sound of the rain, like tons of sand pouring onto the car, was a relief. It felt as if they were trapped in the rain together, cut off from everything in the world, or perhaps having cut off the entire world themselves.
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