The store was more like a drugstore than a typical Korean pharmacy. Perhaps because of the rain, the store was unusually empty. As Yeehyeon was the only customer, the gazes of the bored young employees all fell on him at once. It was a rather burdensome situation for a customer who had come to buy a pregnancy test.
“Are you looking for something? Can I help you?”
A friendly-looking employee approached and spoke to Yeehyeon.
“A, a preg… ahem, I’m looking for a pregnancy test.”
Yeehyeon answered, clearing his throat with a dry cough. He felt a resistance in his vocal cords as he pronounced the word ‘pregnancy.’ It wasn’t easy to get the word out.
Curiosity immediately surfaced in the employee’s eyes. Was he a male beta looking for a test for his girlfriend or wife, or a male omega who would use it himself? That was the question in his gaze. As if staring intently at Yeehyeon would reveal the answer, he didn’t take his eyes off him.
“Yes. They’re over there. Right in front of the wall where the toothbrushes are hanging.”
“Thank you.”
Yeehyeon gave a slight nod of thanks and hurried away.
The hand towel stuffed inside his underwear kept rubbing and chafing against his crotch, constantly nagging at his attention. He felt as if someone could tell he was wearing a towel in his briefs just by looking at his walk, and he kept pulling down the brim of his cap.
He easily found the tests on the shelf the employee had pointed out. He grabbed various types from different companies and put them in his basket as they came to hand. He had read many accounts that, unless one went to a hospital for a proper examination, one or two tests weren’t enough to be certain.
When he placed the small basket, filled with over ten tests, on the counter, he now had to endure the curious gaze of the cashier.
He didn’t sense any malice in their stares, but it was an unpleasant curiosity nonetheless. For now, however, he could brush such things aside. No other problem felt as important as testing for pregnancy.
He left the store holding a bag containing twelve pregnancy tests.
The rain was pouring so hard that in the short moment it took to fold his umbrella and get into the driver’s seat, his cap and clothes were soaked.
Placing the bag on the passenger seat, Yeehyeon glanced at it every time he was stopped at a red light.
And then, in a move he himself found audacious, he quietly placed his right hand on his own lower abdomen. A dry, incredulous laugh escaped him. Pfft.
He knew all too well. There was no way he was pregnant. How could he be, when they had both been so diligent with contraceptives?
Perhaps it was a relief that Liu wasn’t here right now. He could get all excited and test by himself, and after confirming it was negative, he could just keep it a secret. A few years from now, when they really did have a baby, he could confess it to Liu then.
Staring at the rain that flowed down like a curtain as fast as the wipers could push it away, Yeehyeon anxiously gnawed on his lower lip.
■ ■ ■
Even after parking in his home’s garage, Yeehyeon remained in the driver’s seat for a moment.
He had been dying to check right away, but now that he was home, he felt he wasn’t mentally prepared yet.
Prepared to confirm that he wasn’t pregnant.
Sitting blankly amidst the sound of the rain that seemed to cover the whole world, he quietly listened to the music playing.
“Stay In Love” by Aaron Kellim.
It was a song Liu had told him about.
The memory tied to the music brought a smile to Yeehyeon’s lips.
It was a Sunday, not even a month after they had moved to Bali. When he woke up, a little later than usual, Liu wasn’t in bed next to him. Without even changing out of his pajamas, Yeehyeon left the bedroom to look for Liu.
The sweet smell of pancake batter tickled his nose, and the fresh air and sunlight of a late Sunday morning poured in through all the windows of the living room and kitchen. This song was flowing from the Bluetooth speaker in the kitchen, and Liu, standing at the counter, was grilling pancakes while singing along.
Yeehyeon had stood at the kitchen entrance and watched his back for a long time. Until the song ended.
Pouring batter onto the frying pan, shaping it with a spatula, humming through the parts where he didn’t know the lyrics, and occasionally rubbing his left calf with the top of his right foot, Liu was enjoying his Sunday morning.
It was then that Yeehyeon, having finished his month-long adjustment period, was able to accept this place as his real home.
The place where Liu hummed on a Sunday morning while making pancakes for him. Wherever in the world that was, that was his home. And this man was his partner. It was a memory of realizing that with his very soul.
He had quietly approached and hugged him tightly from behind. He had pressed his cheek against the thin T-shirt and felt his body heat and the movement of his muscles, felt that he was alive.
「Sleep well?」
「I slept like a log.」
「You were sleeping like a baby. I stared at you for a while, but you had no idea.」
「We agreed you’d stop watching me sleep.」
「Five pancakes should be enough, right?」
Yeehyeon chuckled, recalling how Liu had dodged the subject.
It was a lie that he was glad Liu wasn’t here.
In this moment, he wished he were here with him. Even if it was just to confirm he wasn’t pregnant.
Waiting for the song to end, Yeehyeon turned off the player and got out of the car. He felt he had finally mustered a bit of courage to face the result.
He took the bag and headed to the master bathroom.
He carefully read the testing instructions on the package. He even let out a senseless laugh at the thought that, thanks to the structure of his genitalia, the test might be a bit more convenient for him than for a female beta or female omega.
Following the instructions on the package, he let the stick absorb urine, then placed the test on a small tray he had prepared beforehand on the edge of the bathtub.
He set a three-minute timer on his phone and paced around the bathroom.
He tried to focus his mind on something else—reading news articles, checking his friends’ daily lives on social media—but he failed at everything.
It was the time when Liu would be flying to Hong Kong. He still had more than two hours until arrival.
Beep, beep, beep.
At the timer’s alarm, Yeehyeon’s pacing came to a halt. He whipped his head around to look at the tray a few steps away. He gnawed on his lips, then mashed them with his hand. His heart was pounding wildly.
Why was he so nervous when he knew it couldn’t be?
Unable to even walk straight, he took sidesteps, one by one, and his eyes gradually widened.
“Huh… huh… huh?”
Even before picking up the test, Yeehyeon unknowingly took a step back. Yet his eyes remained fixed on the tray.
Two distinct red lines had appeared under the letters T and C.
He was pregnant.
Goosebumps broke out several times on Yeehyeon’s right cheek, side, and thigh. Eventually, he felt even the hair on his head stand on end.
He didn’t know how long he stood there, dumbfounded, with his hand clamped over his mouth.
Swoosh. The sound of the rain broke through to Yeehyeon’s ears, which for a while had heard no other sound in the world. It felt like a deafening roar.
Now, Yeehyeon began to move with a sense of calm.
It was hard to be certain of a pregnancy with just one test. Rummaging through the bag he had left on the bathroom shelf, he found a product from a different company than the one he had just used. The company was different, but the method was similar.
He washed his hands again, took out the package, and repeated the procedure. He had just urinated a moment ago, so he wondered if it would work, but thankfully, he was able to use the test.
This time, too, the result was two red lines.
“No way. This is just impossible.”
While he had secretly hoped for it, he knew it was something that could never happen. So, faced with such a result, he felt more bewildered than happy.
He wanted to try at least two more tests. It was a funny way to put it, but he needed more urine.
Yeehyeon went to the kitchen to drink more water and opened a cabinet to get a new cup.
“Ah.”
His chest was unusually sore from just a light brush against the cabinet door. Bending his upper body slightly, Yeehyeon clutched his chest. He couldn’t feel any change in volume, like it had swollen, but maybe it was just his imagination, or it felt subtly firmer than usual.
Really? For real?
His heart began to race again. Yeehyeon filled a cup with water and moved to the living room. He sat on the sofa, taking deep breaths and slowly drinking the water. The room was dim because of the rain, but the thought of turning on a light didn’t even occur to him.
Sitting in the dim living room, he quietly stared straight ahead.
Precious memories with Liu, family, and friends were displayed on the decorative shelf. And on the wall behind it hung a modestly sized canvas. It was a painting Yeehyeon’s father had brought as a gift for his and Liu’s wedding.
The southern cliffs of the East Sea.
His father used to go up there alone, sit blankly on the bench, and gaze out at the sea.
It was also the place where Yeehyeon, breaking the silence and the disconnect for the first time, had confessed to his father that he was changing into an omega.
His father had painted that scene for him. A clear sky, a sparkling sea, and two men sitting side by side on a bench.
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