And this time, he faced me directly and asked in a level tone.
“I understand that the man and woman you call Hyung and Noona are important to you… but even so, why are you so afraid of their relationship being threatened that you’d come to me trembling all over, begging for help?”
I thought it would be a question about information needed to solve the problem, but it was, unexpectedly, a matter of his personal curiosity. He probably wouldn’t press me even if I didn’t answer. Whether I answered or not was entirely up to me.
Through the slowly rising smoke, I looked into his gray-blue eyes, which were asking with a sense of wonder why I was so afraid of a situation that, strictly speaking, was not a direct threat to me.
He probably didn’t know the terror of love.
When one of two people who had loved each other so dearly disappeared. When they were no longer able to be together due to outside interference. The result it could bring would not end with mere sentimental sadness or a few days spent drunk.
Their humanity would be destroyed and twisted, and they would no longer be able to exist as themselves.
My current self was not strong enough to endure a version of Morae and Hyung like that. If such an experience were to be repeated, this time, I too might be destroyed beyond recovery. This time, it wouldn’t end with just quitting painting.
I took a large gulp of the drink in my hand. The rain was still beating against the window, wailing. It was like an evil spirit, determined to take someone as a sacrifice during this night.
“The ones you love are frightening… probably because their lives can have a direct impact on my own. If they suffer, then I, who have to watch them, will suffer too.”
I knew this might sound ridiculous to him if love was nothing more than a fleeting thing that briefly surfaced on the emotions before fading with time, but I couldn’t help but be honest.
This was a story about my mother and father, about Morae and Hyung, and at the same time, it was my own story of being unable to nurture this feeling for him that had just begun.
“So maybe… I’m doing this because I’m afraid of my own suffering. No… that’s probably it.”
Perhaps this was less for Morae or Hyung and more of a desperate struggle for myself. But it didn’t matter who it was for, whether it was out of goodwill or selfish motives. I was determined not to let their elopement be dismissed as a passing rebellion of a foolish young couple, no matter what price I had to pay. I was firm on that point, and the strength to be this firm was given to me by those two, so I didn’t regret it.
He was silent. With the cigarette in his hand, he just looked at me with thoughtful eyes, as if savoring the meaning of my words.
The reason I had decided to suppress my feelings of wanting special affection from him was not just because he was, in many ways, a partner out of my league. If it hadn’t been for my fear of love, I might have been able to throw myself at him with the youthful recklessness of my twenty-two years.
But I was scared.
It was scary to see him, unable to treat me with the same feelings I had for him, but compared to the fear of what would happen when this still fragile and soft emotion grew heavy, immense, and hard, and took control of me—compared to the fear of the influence that power would exert on me then, the former fear was nothing.
Because I was a work of art sculpted—no, ruined—by the destructive power of love.
Finally, he pulled his gaze away from me and uncrossed his legs. He took a deep final drag, then stubbed the cigarette out in the dry ashtray.
“I think I understand.”
Having said that, he didn’t speak of it further.
He thinks he understands. It was an unexpected response.
○
The sound of raindrops hitting the window was fierce due to the strong wind. It sounded intermittently like someone was throwing handfuls of sand at the window with all their might. It felt as if the rain would burst into the room at any moment, right through the thick soundproof windows.
But the reason I couldn’t sleep wasn’t the dreary sound of the rain or the unfamiliar bed. On a day like today, I would have found it difficult to sleep no matter where I lay.
He had readily promised the retainer fee, but advised that hiding this from Morae and Hyung was not a good idea. He said it would be better to explain the situation to persuade them to leave sooner.
Having left only a suspicious message saying something urgent had come up and I had to leave, I messaged the two of them again after my conversation with him and set up a meeting. As soon as morning came, I planned to meet them first, explain the situation and the plan, and then meet my eldest uncle together.
I had thought he was the type of person who would leave all choices up to the individual. The type who would be extremely cautious and reluctant to influence another’s life with such advice.
But his advice was surprisingly serious and, as such, carried a strong persuasive power. It was different from the cliché advice thrown around irresponsibly, based on generalities. It was a careful design that mobilized his own experience, wisdom, and logic, and it coolly filled the sporadic holes in my own logic, which had been riddled with fear and anxiety.
Did I thank him properly? There were more than one or two things I needed to properly thank him for tonight alone….
I turned over from my back, which had been facing the ceiling, and lay on my side, pulling the cozy blanket up to my shoulders. The guest room on the first floor he had shown me to was located directly below his bedroom. I looked at the other empty single bed across from me and imagined him lying in the same spot, above my head.
My body temperature seemed to have returned completely to normal, but I felt a slight chill, as if a coldness still lingered in my core. I hugged my arms inside the sufficiently comfortable and cozy blanket. I pulled the chest of the loungewear he had given me to my face and buried my nose in it. There was only the faint scent of clean fabric softener; I couldn’t smell his unique scent.
I knew how to fall asleep. What my untamed, racing heart wanted. There was no need to go through the troublesome process of being honest with myself.
I threw off the blanket and got out of bed.
I fumbled my way through the dark corridor where only the faintest outlines of objects were discernible, placed a hand on the wall, and climbed the stairs. Barefoot, without even slippers, I slowly approached the bedroom located in the deepest part of the second floor.
As if it had been waiting for me, the door was not completely closed.
Without knocking, I pushed the door lightly with my fingertips.
It was a rude act, but I had a strong intuition that there was no need to knock. Knocking would have felt like an overly conspicuous act….
The wider the door opened, the longer the sliver of faint, indirect light from the hallway stretched across the dark brown wooden tiles. Following that light with my eyes, I saw him, leaning against the headboard, looking this way.
Bare-chested and wearing sweatpants, he had his legs stretched out long with his ankles crossed, his hands loosely clasped on his thighs. He didn’t look like someone who had been sleeping or was sleepy.
His eyes, as he looked at me, were unwavering, as if he had been certain I would come. It felt as if my arrival here was not of my own will but due to his supernatural summons; his posture was so perfectly that of someone waiting for me.
“……”
“……”
The question of why I was in this room, the tempting words asking to sleep together, all were omitted. Such words felt like accessories that were not pretty, just cumbersome.
“Can I… sleep here?”
My voice was parched.
His hair, which had settled down calmly after a shower, was swept back as he propped up one knee and rested his elbow on it. Still clutching the hair he had swept back, he tilted his head askew and looked at me with a slightly challenging gaze.
“That doesn’t mean you’re cruelly planning to just sleep, does it?”
To say no, I took a step into the room.
Strangely, I wasn’t afraid of being rejected. It wasn’t that I was confident in my own sexual appeal, but perhaps because I had slept with him twice before. I could have the confidence that he would accept me, or at least not refuse me.
Watching me approach, he let go of the hair he had been holding. The way his hair fluttered and slowly settled was beautiful.
“I’d like that, but…”
“……”
“When I sleep with you, Seo Yeehyeon, I don’t seem to have much self-control.”
To show it was okay, I closed the door behind me.
In the darkness, sitting and facing me, he looked, ridiculously, as if he were afraid of me, of my approach. That couldn’t be right.
As I walked to the edge of the bed, his scent inevitably rose up. This was it. I had come to this room chasing the desire to be enveloped in this scent and entangled with him. A self-deprecating laugh escaped me when I thought of my own state, crawling up to the second floor, fumbling in the dark, just because I wanted to have sex.
Even after learning that sex with someone you like could also be hurtful, here I was, dying to have sex with the very person I liked.
Even while telling myself I had to make my feelings for him nonexistent, I couldn’t even endure sleeping under the same roof for one night and had crawled into his bedroom on my own.
Who on earth was this? It was me, but it was terribly unfamiliar.
It was moving through my body, but it felt chillingly like a stranger, as if someone else had entered me. But, though it showed an unfamiliar side, it was definitely me.
I bent down and brought my face close to his bare shoulder. Since I liked him, it was only natural that I would like his scent too.
The scent was also the first trigger that made me perceive him as special. When Morae had asked about him, the first thing that came to mind, the quality that clearly distinguished him from others, was this very scent.
He reached out a hand to my bent face, touched my cheek, and asked.
“Having sex with an Alpha, doesn’t it make you feel uneasy?”
“……”
At the unexpected question, I turned my head to face him. I slowly shook my head. His hand, which had been stroking my cheek, moved deeper and traced the shell of my ear.
“Like you feel you’re going to change.”
If that was the case, he had no need to hesitate. I placed my hand over his large one that was cupping my ear and cheek and shook my head several times.
“I want to change. I want to be completely changed.”
At the end of my mumble, which was like a confession or a self-reproach, he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me onto the bed as if lifting me.
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