“Yeah. The collaboration with Ben, I finished it today.”
Looking down at the flowers in her hand, Yuni, as if bestowing a great favor, held the bouquet out to Yeehyeon and told him to smell it.
Faded pink Jana roses. They were the same flowers that had decorated the terrace when Liu proposed.
Yeehyeon lowered his face toward the modest bouquet, which was barely wrapped at all, just haphazardly rolled in clear plastic with a ribbon tied around the cut stems.
A smile never left Yuni’s face as she explained that Michelle had bought them for her when they passed a flower shop in a subway station and saw them on a last-minute sale before closing.
“They smell nice.”
“Right? They said these flowers are pretty even after they’re dried, so I’m going to try drying them.”
The flowers, having remained unsold until the very end, were already slightly withered on the outside, but the insides were still fresh. Looking down at Yuni as she carefully touched the soft petals, Yeehyeon couldn’t help but think of Liu. There were many things that reminded him of the man, but when he was caught off guard like this, from an unexpected direction, he had considerable trouble getting his longing under control.
“But you… do you have a fever? Your face is a little red, and your eyes look hazy.”
“Hm? I’m not sure. Maybe I’m just sleepy.”
Yuni pulled down Yeehyeon’s hand as he rubbed his eyelids, then pushed back his bangs and placed a hand on his forehead.
“You have a fever. It feels pretty high, didn’t you know? You must have overworked yourself.”
“I had to finish today so the exhibition schedule wouldn’t be disrupted.”
“Still, a day or so would’ve been fine. You’re so diligent. So you can get a good rest from now on, right?”
“Yeah, I’ll be fine if I take some medicine and sleep well tonight. So, Yuni….”
“Yeah?”
Seeing Yeehyeon hesitate, rubbing the railing, Yuni scrunched her nose as if she understood and patted his shoulder.
“I get it. I’ll keep it a secret from the CEO.”
“It’s nothing serious, just a little fever, but since he can’t see me in person, he worries more than he needs to….”
He tried his best to make excuses, not wanting to seem like he was in some overly dramatic relationship, but Yuni didn’t seem to have any intention of teasing him. Perhaps she, too, had become more generous, being in a relationship that was quite obvious herself.
Maybe it was because he’d been told he had a fever. After returning to his room and washing up right away, he thought he could feel the stirrings of a cold. He only wanted to get into bed as quickly as possible, so much so that even getting medicine felt like a chore, but he couldn’t neglect his self-care, if only for the sake of the person who would worry himself sick.
From the first-aid kit on the shelf above the sink, he took out a multi-symptom cold medicine and swallowed two pills as recommended on the small box. A wave of exhaustion drained the strength from his waist and legs, and the moment he sat on the bed, he flopped back.
“……”
Lying across the middle of the bed with his legs dangling off the side, Yeehyeon fiddled with his phone. He opened the messenger app and scrolled back, retracing the conversations he’d had with Liu that day. Most of it was mundane reports of daily life or silly, sometimes even childish, conversations, but tracing them at the end of the day made him smile. The reality that he was in a relationship with him—a tender long-distance one at that—was steadily accumulating inside the chat window.
It was early morning in Seoul. If Phantom were open for business, it would be the time Liu was getting ready for work, but he was probably just waking up late and about to start his day.
He didn’t want to wake him on purpose if he was still drifting on the border between sleep and reality, but after a moment’s hesitation, Yeehyeon touched the call icon.
[Are you done with work?]
A smile spread silently across his face as he covered his eyes with the back of his hand, the call connecting as if Liu had been waiting. Judging by his fully awake voice, he thankfully hadn’t just woken up.
“Yes. I’m in my room now.”
[Your voice… sounds a little hoarse.]
“Uh… I guess I’m tired. I worked a bit longer than usual today.”
[Then you should get some sleep.]
“Yes, I’m sleepy. Mmm… I might sleep for a really long time.”
He spoke slowly, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.
[I won’t worry even if I don’t hear from you, so don’t you worry and get plenty of sleep.]
He found it amusing that Liu was telling him not to worry about him worrying, and he turned onto his side, laughing weakly. Liu was urging him to sleep out of consideration, but he was reluctant to end the call.
“What were you doing?”
It was a question that could sound indifferent or perfunctory, but when directed at a loved one, it became an expression of interest.
Liu gave a very detailed report, saying that he’d started his day a little earlier than usual because of a bizarre dream, and to lift his spirits, he had made himself an English breakfast, even grilling two pancakes, and was now drinking coffee after having just cleared his plate.
He seemed to be hoping for praise for having cooked his own breakfast, so Yeehyeon offered a few words of compliment. These moments, when the age gap became meaningless and their fixed roles as the older and younger person were reversed, were also part of the reality of being in a relationship. He imagined Liu stooping over and himself stroking his hair, and he stifled a laugh so Liu wouldn’t notice.
“The pancakes you made were delicious.”
[I’ll make you as many as you want when we meet this time.]
“I want to see you soon.”
[…….]
After a moment of silence, a gentle, placating voice came from the other end of the line.
[Just one more day, and we can see each other the day after tomorrow.]
It was usually his side that deflected Liu’s “I miss you” like this, so he couldn’t help but smile. Pulling his legs onto the bed, Yeehyeon buried his face in the pillow. His eyelids were fluttering shut, but he wanted to hear his voice more. Perhaps his heart had grown weak along with his body, as he even felt an uncharacteristic urge to be coddled by him. But if the call went on any longer, he felt Liu would notice his condition. He didn’t want to give him something to worry about as he was about to start his day. Since Liu would be arriving the day after tomorrow, if he just focused on recovering by then, he could probably get away with it without him finding out he’d been a little sick.
“I’m going to sleep now. Have a good day.”
[Sleep well. Dream of me.]
He ended the call with a final laugh at Liu’s joke, his voice deliberately husky and cheesy.
Unlike Seoul, where morning was beginning, it was deep night here, and all was quiet. The apartment was silent, as was the alley outside the window.
The feeling of his body sinking deep into the mattress as he grew hazy in the silence wasn’t entirely unpleasant. It was a little similar to the moment of being immersed in pheromones. He felt like he could fall asleep at any second, yet for some reason, his mind was in turmoil. Yeehyeon, who had been lying with his eyes closed and the blanket pulled up over his shoulders, reached for the shelf by his head.
He picked up the black leather case sitting next to a few books he was currently reading, his wallet, watch, keys, and other daily belongings, and the framed drawing he had received from Suki Kim, and lay back down.
Whenever his left hand was briefly caught on screen during their video calls, his gaze would go to the ring. He had never told him, but whenever he saw the ring shining on his long, straight finger, he felt a strange satisfaction, a fulfillment of a possessiveness and desire for ownership he never knew he had.
No, he had been fleetingly aware of this strange desire for him before. It was just that he’d never had a chance to reveal it, as Liu had always been the first to satisfy it more than enough, without him ever needing to ask or demand.
Perhaps Liu and he were only now officially beginning their relationship. This didn’t mean the depth of their feelings was at a beginner’s stage.
The love that had ripened within them and the domain of romance, the method of expressing and exchanging that love, seemed to coincide at a glance but could also function separately. Their existences were already deeply rooted in each other’s lives, but it was strange that the form of his relationship with him could be similar to that of a couple who had just started dating.
Not the kind of imbalance where one focuses on the other at a terrifying speed, casting everything else aside, nor the blind impatience of clinging only to the desire to connect deeply with the other person right away, skipping all the steps… but a relationship where they wanted to know even the most trivial parts of each other’s daily lives, where they cautiously showed jealousy, and yet, instead of trying to satisfy only their own possessiveness, they willingly censored and restrained themselves to become a faithful source of understanding for the other… This time, he was in that kind of relationship.
Liu had wanted to come here more often. It was Yeehyeon himself who had limited his visits to once a month, saying that they shouldn’t let their relationship disrupt their lives from now on. For the most part, it was bearable, but sometimes, it was very hard.
“Even if you suddenly want to see me on a whim, I’ll run to you right away.”
There were times he wanted to ignore the once-a-month rule he had set himself and use that old promise as an excuse to summon him. The knowledge that he would fly over immediately if he just said he wanted him to come made it all the more tempting. His relationship with Liu was what made his life here more vibrant than before, but the reason he felt a deeper loneliness was also because of the emptiness of Liu not being here. The physical pain of not being able to touch or hold him was, in some ways, far more potent and vivid than any abstract idea.
In truth, he dreamed of him more often than he let on. He also couldn’t tell him that he would sometimes sit alone in this room, staring blankly at the ring in its box.
Closing the lid of the case, Yeehyeon sank languidly into sleep, unable to even put it back in its place. Liu’s farewell to dream of him was a joke meant to make him laugh, but for tonight, he hoped that farewell would become a spell.
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